Scared?

I got "pinged" by a reader. She's a regular and she hadn't seen me post in a while. So she sent me an email asking how I was doing.

Somehow, coming from a stranger, that meant a lot to me.

I've been busy with family death and my own non-blogging obligations. Yet, there's more than that.

You see, I'm a fundamentally broken man. I feel that I don't fit into where I am. There are parts of me that don't fit into how the rest of the world lives. I'm working really hard to make myself fit but I see the reminders of how I don't and it's a powerful thing. I'm reminded all the time of what an outsider I am.

I try and I try but, really, I'm not like anyone around me. We all live as if we will never die, or, if we do, it'll be a thing we're all ready for. We will all die. Many of us will do so unexpectedly.

That sucks. Big Time.

I'm aware of that all the time.

(Here's the really scary part:)

I know my father will die. I'll likely be there

I know my mother will die, I hope I will be there.

I know Herself will surely die and I will surely be there.

EVERYONE will die (even me!!!).

But many of us live comfortably because the frailty of life is not in our face. We assume that so-and-so will be there tomorrow. We operate under the assumption that we will all have friends and family around us tomorrow as we did today.

Am I the only one who feels in his guts that this is SO not true?

I'm scared all the time.

Am I allowed to be scared?

--maddog